today is march 24th. it is 35 degrees in chicago, illinois. for my entire life it has been this cold in march and every year it feels like it shouldn’t be. today i went up north a bit and went to a coffee shop connected to the red line station that i was supposed to go to with a girl i only this semester got the courage to ask to be my friend. we didn’t go but i’m grateful to her anyway. i read two short stories in a book a boy in a gen ed class i’m taking lent me. one about indiana and the experience of small town midwestern life. it’s called “in the heart of the heart of the country” by william h. glass. i do recommend it. the other, “janus” by ann beattie, about a woman’s attachment to an object and a parallel to the roman mythological figure of the same name. i recommend that one as well.
there’s an air about the midwest in the late parts of winter that don’t seem to be retreating any time soon. i got thinking about things that make me think of the midwest and all the things that surround me. and i thought about la dispute.
i’m 20 and, like a lot of people my age or thereabout who were into kinda emo/pop punk/whatever, la dispute hit me when i was about 15/16 and it was a revelation. the band that inspired a thousand forearm tattoos. rooms of the house came out in march of my junior year of high school. noisey had a discussion with jordan dreyer at length about what this album means and the themes in it. all of which come across pretty easy especially in context of their previous album that i didn’t fully get until listening to dreyer explain it fully on their bandcamp. what sticks out more to me though is the way rooms of the house makes me feel connected to the place i’ve lived for my entire life. not because of specific signifiers like an into it. over it. record but just in the overwhelming feeling of the description of scenes.
rooms of the house feels like the midwest in march. barren and straight forward and still. harsh at points. a bridge collapse and a tornado and not discussing a lost child. objects strewn around and remembering warmer times with someone you loved once and the pain that came with that loss.
i love this record. jordan dreyer’s millions of words painting pictures of time periods and places i know or feel like places i know. stories but not in the same way wildlife did stories. rooms of the house has something distinctly midwestern and i can feel that. if you know me, you know i’m partial to bands from the midwest. nobody does emo like the midwest. (except maybe, like, you blew it. rip.) and in a visceral, teenage way i love la dispute because there is something about it that captures the things i love and hate about having grown up here. about having stayed here to go to college. and that i dread about the thought of leaving. the midwest can feel constricting and depressing.
one thing that does stick out to me in that noisey article is jordan dreyer discussing the child we lost 1963 and his grandparents. midwesterners have a reputation of being friendly but the other side of that is that friendly doesn’t mean open. stoicism and being closed off, to me, is more midwestern than friendliness. or at least friendliness doesn’t exist without a level of stoicism and reserved feelings. the unspoken feeling of emotional distance between me and every member of my family. the challenging dichotomy of my positive, wonderful relationship with my dad and his visible discomfort even mentioning me seeing a therapist much less my actual mental health. the feeling of knowing someone loves you despite no tangible signs of it.
the other aspect of this album that i connect with so deeply focuses on objects and their significance. i surround myself with objects that have specific and important memories connected to them. i’ve always connected to the way dreyer describes objects of a life out of context and obscure objects you can’t get rid of. shared objects. for me, an into it. over it. record my high school boyfriend gave me and wrote on to ask me to be his girlfriend. a poster i got the day after a miserable five hour drive to bled fest with a person whose role in my life has changed a lot since then. ironically for this post, la dispute performed wildlife in full. there’s a dvd of christopher nolan’s film the prestige i bought at a record store for $3 that reminds me more of living in paris than anything else. negatives of blurry photos of my friends and europe and chicago. these things that people collect that, out of context, have little meaning but to me make up a significant amount of my memories and the way i keep people i love in my life even when they start to drift.
rooms of the house is in no way la dispute’s most challenging album but it, more than any other piece of music, makes me think about the challenging parts of identifying with where you live and the things you collect and people you know or once knew.
it’s 2:34 in the afternoon. march 24th, 2018. 35 degrees.

originally posted march 24, 2018

there are few bands where i remember exactly what i was doing and where i was when i first heard them. the wonder years are different.
in the fall of 2012, right around thanksgiving, i downloaded (probably illegally) coffee eyes through an app on my microsoft phone because my older sister had a tank top with their logo on it from warped tour. i’ve never had a moment where i felt like i heard a band and they were exactly what i needed quite like when i heard coffee eyes for the first time.
i was 15 years old. it was my sophomore year of high school. when i heard coffee eyes for the first time, that fall, i had just started going to hospital programs for mental health problems and an eating disorder. i wasn’t going to school. i wasn’t connecting with anyone. and i was scared. then i heard that song and i listened to it constantly. i listened to don’t let me cave in then my life as rob gordon and everything i own fits in this backpack. and then i stopped downloading songs. i just listened to those repeatedly for months. something about it just clicked and it carried me through what i still consider the hardest part of my life. hearing dan campbell talk about not feeling alone made me feel less alone. a lot of people find that in music and to date i think the wonder years are one of the only bands to connect with me in that specific way.
in treatment for my eating disorder they stressed that eating disorders don’t really go away. you just deal with them and it fluctuates. what i liked about dan campbell is that he gave a real expectation i could have for feeling better. better doesn’t mean great and his writing has always given me that. i think i needed that when i was 15 being told there’s a good chance i’ll never truly be able to recover from constantly feeling at war with my own body. and as i sit five years later dealing with the worst mental health i’ve had probably since the fall i first heard coffee eyes, i can’t help but think about the person i was and how i’ve changed since then.
most of my favorite high school memories are at the wonder years’ events. meeting people i now love and waiting outside for hours on the street to get in and hear new songs. they are one of the most formative bands for me. they shaped the music i listen to and relationships i have more than any other band. through pop punk bands in high school to that interview soupy did with evan weiss that lead me to listen to into it. over it. and subsequently emo revival bands that have lead me to where i am today musically. they were a basis for a friendship i hold close and my tumblr-born relationship with a person i love so much.
tonight i saw them play acoustic in the basement of the wicker park space they did a pop up shop for their new album. a hundred people, five years older than when i’m certain most of these people (like me) saw them at their 24 hour tour for the greatest generation, all sitting on the floor listening to sister cities; waiting for them to come play an acoustic set. i walked to the bus and home with a dead phone from taking so many videos during the show.
hearing them play and people singing along put me in a place i haven’t really felt in a long time. like i’m fifteen. i feel scared and lost and anxious. shaking through songs i compulsively sing along to. but, just as when i was fifteen, i’m not alone. and music i’m hearing feels like more than it has for a while.
i’m twenty. i’m done with college this summer. and i’m scared as all hell. but today make me remember i’m glad to have discovered the wonder years when i did and to still feel that connection with them that i have lost with most other bands i’ve listened to heavily over the years.
if i was fifteen, i would end this with a wonder years reference. so hey thanks.

​originally posted april 1, 2018.

for this post i’m not gonna get overly sentimental. or at least that’s the plan.
death cab for cutie is my favorite band in the world and the band i have liked for the longest amount of time consistently and i wanted to make my definitive (for now) list of favorite death cab albums.
8. codes and keys – 2011
there is something about this album i just … don’t like. i don’t listen to this album much. death cab kills an opening track and home is a fire is no exception. i love that song. saint peter’s cathedral is a good example of everything i love about a good death cab song. but overall? it doesn’t connect the way any other record of theirs does.
7. something about airplanes – 1998 
this is not an album i don’t like, it’s not an album i do like. it sounds like early death cab for cutie but in a way that is significantly less enjoyable for me than we have the facts. it is okay and i enjoy it when it comes on but i’ve never thought to myself “i want to listen to something about airplanes”
6. kintsugi – 2015
this album has actually a few really fun songs. i enjoyed all the singles a lot. ingenue is good. there are few songs on this album i’m actively lukewarm on (good help is an exception. could do without that one). ghosts of beverly drive might be put pretty high on a list of my favorite death cab songs actually. i think it’s fun and i love a good Los Angeles hate song.
5. we have the facts and we’re voting yes – 2000
we have the facts is only 5th because i can’t in good faith put plans 5th. almost every song on this record is one i am excited to hear. 405 is one of my favorite death cab for cutie songs. title track. no joy in mudville. the employment pages.
a lot of really well done vocal and guitar effects. i’m a sucker for location based lyrics and ben gibbard does that so well. i love the world he builds in this album more than anything. it’s immersive and calming and i love it. could do without little fury bugs.
4. plans – 2005
plans opens with maybe the best opener ever written. marching bands of manhattan makes me excited to hear the rest of the album. makes me excited to be listening to death cab. i love so much about this album. every song feels like it belongs, every song feels full and dynamic and important. there is a reason these are top songs of theirs. these are some of their best songs. crooked teeth makes me happy to hear it.
but i just don’t listen to it like i used to. i loved plans when i was in 8th grade and dramatic. i do not think it is their most interesting work but i can recognize it is really incredible songwriting and integral to their catalog and it is representative of what i love about the band.
3. the photo album – 2001
i didn’t get into this album until a couple years ago but at this point i might listen to it in entirety more than any other death cab album. it makes me feel every emotion. i love the delicacy of some songs and how it gives way to a really satisfying build. the photo album feels like a logical step between we have the facts and transatlanticism. again, ben gibbard’s world building within the record is beautiful and this album holds a lot of songs i love.
including the best LA hate song ever written : why you’d want to live here
2. narrow stairs – 2008
narrow stairs has my favorite song ever written on it. cath.. is the most important song in my life and no song will ever make me feel what it does. overall, i think this is one of their most interesting projects. it feels different and exciting. the tracks flow into each other really well.
honestly? if i wasn’t for what i view as a weak ending track and some lulling on the back half of the album i might like it as much as i like transatlanticism.
1. transatlanticism – 2003
this album is death cab’s best. that’s not a hot take. plenty of people agree. the very first song i ever heard by them was title and registration through a mitchell davis/livelavalive party music video on youtube. i used to play just the few seconds they had it in the video repeatedly.
one of my friends has named a very specific insecurity complex i have my “tiny vessels complex”
i listen to the new year every year on new years eve
this might be the first album i ever discovered and listened to without the influence of anyone else. and godDAMN is it good. every song is vital. every song works together. the opening track is perfect. the slow songs don’t get tedious or feel corny. there’s a variety of tempos and dynamics.
this is an unequivocally perfect death cab album. one of my favorite albums ever written.
ben gibbard and chris walla are my lord and savior respectively.

originally posted april 6, 2018

well actually i only ranked every regular album track minus the acoustic version of poppin’ champagne. 6 records. 79 songs.
why?
i don’t know.


before we get into it, let’s go over what all time low’s albums even are.
Put Up or Shut Up – 2006
I 100% illegally downloaded this album when I was 12
So Wrong, It’s Right – 2007
Confession: I used to confuse this album art with the art from a lesson in romantics by mayday parade
Nothing Personal – 2009
The only cd in my car between getting my license and my parents giving the car I used to my sister my sophomore year of college
Dirty Work – 2011
DGC doesn’t put out bands’ best albums. Fact. But this record is ……. not as bad as I thought it was when I first heard it. I guess. 
Don’t Panic! – 2013
My boyfriend freshman year of high school bought me this CD for my birthday.
Future Hearts – 2015
I hadn’t listened to this album prior to doing this
Last Young Renegade – 2017
Is andy biersack on the cover of this? How does Alex have the exact same voice? Questions?
ALRIGHT let’s frickin do this

1. Weightless
   • Obviously. When i would play this song in the car with my mom at like 11 years old i would turn down the radio when he said the F word
2. Dear Maria Count Me In
   • the HA HA. the cough. ultimate classic status.
3. Damned If I Do Ya, Damned If I Don’t
   • Iconic music video. How i was i supposed to know you were o-o-over me i think that i should go (GO!)!!!
4. Six Feet Under The Stars
   • HELL yeah certified BANGER. When I visited Baltimore at age 14 I made my parents take a picture of me in front of the Thames Street sign.
5. Stay Awake (Dreams Only Last For A Night)
   • Most underrated song ever written. Hell fucking yes. STAY AWAKE.
6. Coffee Shop Soundtrack
   • Certified classic. On my bootleg copy I had to write the song titles in manually for in iTunes I spelled coffee like “coffe” and I’m sure it is that way on my dad’s computer to this day.
7. Let It Roll
   • “But all i can think about is sex”
8. Walls
   • I c o n i c. We could all use a reminder to let the walls break down sometimes. We were all young and horny at one point.
9. Jasey Rae
   • Hell yeah
10. Remembering Sunday
    • Certified classic. Still the only song I can effectively play on the guitar. Kinda cringe I still love it tho.
11. Vegas
    • Banger. My friends ARE everything.
12. Missing You
    • A cute song? Surprisingly so? Actually reminds me of The Maine. Fun.
13. If These Sheets Were States
    • A really fun song to sing along to in the car. I like this song. Great chorus.
14. The Beach
    • If you didn’t listen to the beach on the last day of school every year of middle school did you even like All Time Low?
15. Dark Side of Your Room
    • I like this. This whole record is solid teen movie music. This is actually really good.
16. Guts
    • Yo Guts is actually a good, well written song. I’m so with it. Hell yeah.
17. For Baltimore
    • I love an All Time Low song that 1. starts slow and 2. is very location specific
18. Stella
    • Made my dad listen to this song when we went to palm springs when i realized this song wasn’t about a girl. More iconic laughter. Gang vocals as fuck.
19. Drugs and Candy
    • Reminds me of The Maine. In a good way.
20. This Is How We Do
    • Great opener. 100% would play loudly while drunk. Every song on this record bangs.
21. Hello, Brooklyn
    • Love a song that just lists cities
22. Therapy
    • Ok ….. I don’t know. This song used to be important to me but idk that it’s worth listening to now so it’s here. Fight me.
23. Keep the Change, You Filthy Animal
    • A frickin JAM! So fun! Used to take pride in knowing the band loved Home Alone. Is this song about cheating?
24. Ground Control (feat. Tegan and Sara)
    • I like this, thanks tegan and sara. Good electro influence.
25. Just The Way I’m Not
    • Fun as heck. What I want from an All Time Low song. Gang vocals, a catchy chorus, weird slow part, all vocals including harmonies done by Alex.
26. The Girl’s A Straight Up Hustler
    • Not great, still a classic tho
27. Something’s Gotta Give
    • This is a really good iteration of later era All Time Low
28. Lost In Stereo
    • Kinda creepy. Still a jam tho.
29. Holly Would You Turn Me On
    • Not even in the top five ATL songs entirely about sex
30. Somewhere In Neverland
    • Kinda corny but not a bad song at all. Cute video too!
31. Poppin’ Champagne
    • Perfect start. Gets worse as it goes on. Classic vid tho.
32. Afterglow
    • Really solid closer !!!!
33. Heroes
    • Just a song I enjoy really. I don’t know. Feels like an All Time Low song.
34. I Feel Like Dancin’
    • Not a good song but holy shit is it fun like six drinks into a night and honestly? What more could I ask for? Also: CRUNK
35. Break Your Little Heart
    • Anthem to 15 year old revenge
36. A Party Song (The Walk of Shame)
    • A song clearly written by a man who just turned 21. Don’t sweat it, forget it. More iconic gang vocals.
37. Satellite
    • A really good opening track hello!
38. Reckless and The Brave
    • Not a bad song, don’t really like the chorus but I get why it was a single
39. Don’t You Go
    • Sounds like a solid track 5 off of a much earlier pop punk record
40. Paint You Wings
    • Doesn’t start strong but the rest is good! Good melodies!
41. The Edge of Tonight
    • I like this song. A good iteration of their newer sound at a mid tempo.
42. That Girl
    • Problematic fave. I think Alex Gaskarth’s vocals on this song are really good.
43. Shameless
    • Has good parts. Not a party banger.
44. The Party Scene
    • Not as good as i remember
45. Come One, Come All
    • “I’ve got a bone to pick with you Mr. DJ”
46. Sick Little Games
    • Okay verses. Not super catchy. A skippable track on this record.
47. Running From Lions
    • Really bad vocals at the beginning, gets a whole lot better toward the end
48. Old Scars / Future Hearts
    • All Time Low always ends a record strong I’ll give them that
49. No Idea
    • Big Time Rush did a version of this song lol
50. Lullabies
    • Not as bad as I remember? Not good, but not as bad.
51. Do You Want Me (Dead?)
    • A perfectly fine opener. Kinda corny but equally fun!
52. Nice2KnoU
    • Sick title boys lmao no but really I enjoyed this song
53. Cinderblock Garden
    • Feels like a mid-album song. Not bad but not like.. Really good.
54. Thanks to You
    • I just like this one. Classic All Time Low writing.
55. Outlines
    • The Patrick Stump writing really shows
56. So Long Soldier
    • I think this song’s chorus sounds like an older ATL song. I like it. It’s self referential but it’s fun.
57. Break Out! Break Out!
    • Holy shit way worse than i remember
58. Backseat Serenade
    • Not a bad song, don’t really like the chorus but I get why it was a single
59. Last Young Renegade
    • Solid rock music. Wouldn’t change it if it came on the radio.
60. Kids In The Dark
    • An okay song really
61. Bad Enough For You
    • Sounds like a song that could be in a Disney Channel Original Movie montage scene. Take that as you will.
62. Bail Me Out (feat. Joel Madden)
    • The superior collab on this record
63. Life of the Party
    • Return of the bad electronics! Good chorus. Can see this being used in a teen movie montage but is a hard song to listen to.
64. A Daydream Away
    • Dorky but not necessarily a BAD song
65. Runaways
    • Not great but Alex Gaskarth still knows how to write a bridge
66. To Live and Let Go
    • Fine but not overly fun or interesting
67. Nightmares
    • Not memorable
68. Under a Paper Moon
    • Middling. Kinda corny, nothing about it even makes me laugh so
69. Forget About It
    • I honestly couldn’t tell you if I think this is an ok song or not. Weird spoken part in the middle. The end is fun, I like the end.
70. Good Times
    • Writing sounds like classic Alex but idk about these slow tracks
71. Tidal Waves (feat. Mark Hoppus)
    • Pretty boring. Inferior collab.
72. So Long and Thanks for All the Booze
    • Not that good. Misses a mark for me.
73. Return The Favor
    • This song doesn’t flow well for me. Could do without it, honestly
74. Time-Bomb
    • Not a good song
75. Dancing With A Wolf
    • Um I don’t know about all this
76. Kicking & Screaming
    • Not sure what to make of it really
77. Dirty Laundry
    • I’m…. not with it
78. The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver
    

• Eh
  

1. Too Much

• A painfully 2009 song. Wow. Too much of that synth, my dudes. This sucks. Like so bad. Oh my god.

originally posted april 6, 2018

​while i was having coffee with a friend of mine recently she mentioned wanting to like music the way she did as a teenager. i’ve been thinking about that a lot and how liking things when you’re a teenager feels different. it is different.
it’s knowing where the singer of your first favorite band was born. (answer: essex. name that band!)
it’s hearing a death cab for cutie song in a livelavalive youtube video when you’re eleven years old and it blowing your mind.
it’s happily waiting in line outside a chicago pop punk band’s show for hours in the pouring rain.
it’s looking up every opening act and making a playlist to learn their songs before going to a show.
it’s the first time you discover a band that will define one of your closest friendships while in treatment for an eating disorder and playing that song on repeat for days.
it’s going to see la dispute right after you got your wisdom teeth out.
it’s convincing yourself to love joyce manor because you feel like you need to.
it’s being excited about exposing yourself to as much as possible because you’ve never had that before.
then one day music (or any interest, really) stops having that effect. maybe you decided to go to school to learn stuff about the industry of that thing you loved most in the world and got discouraged by the sexism in every course. maybe you started having so much anxiety that music sounds bad so you can’t listen to anything that used to bring you comfort and joy. maybe you were told being excited about music and being a girl invalidates you. or maybe your friends just weren’t interacting the same way so you followed suit.
i stopped showing up at shows early then eventually missing openers or leaving before a headliner i don’t care much about. i stopped listening to music in a way that felt born of genuine interest. i sure as hell don’t sit and convince myself to like a band. and it’s not that i think that level of enthusiasm can last, but it sucks to not have that feeling anymore. to listen to an album and think “holy shit this is what i need” is special.
not to say i don’t like new music, but the way i interact with it is so different now especially in live settings. in some ways that’s good but the feeling of rabid, excited discovery is something special that is lost when you transition out of that teenage fandom.
but when you do get that spark of “holy shit this is it”, it’s special. and i got that moment a year ago while i was desperately trying to have the time of my life studying in paris. if you know me at all, i’ve probably tried to get you to listen to martha. martha is a band from the uk, they sing with full accents that i’m embarrassed to say i sometimes can’t understand, and their wikipedia page says they have, “expressed intent in being a pop group”.
for the first time in a long time, a band touches all aspects of a period in my life (so much that i made a zine about the last year of my life that i titled using part of a martha song) and it feels good. this year was a lot of bad but even the very bad was colored by songs that i associate with joy. for the first time in a long time reading lyrics intently, posting photos of ACAB graffiti on metro vending machines with curly and raquel lyrics written over it on my instagram story, doing the former to understand who curly and raquel are because i grew up with general hospital not coronation street.
i’ve yelled lyrics in my best pal’s car. i’ve listened to every band they’ve done tours with (and found a lot of great ones in a year where i haven’t liked most american released in the scene i’m used to finding a lot of stuff i enjoy). and when i saw them live in chicago, i felt the way i used to feel at shows when i was sixteen. knowing (most of) the lyrics, excited about a new song, happy they shouted out the organization i volunteer with to fight sexual harassment at shows.
part of me is embarrassed to like something with a similar fervor to how i liked my favorite bands in high school but most of me is happy to have that feeling back, if only in the form of one band almost none of my friends like and who will probably never come back to the united states.
but at the end of the day i’m happy to feel something strong through music after not feeling that for so long.

originally posted october 11, 2018